Why I Fail I Relationships

Why did I fail at my last two relationships?

Commitment. I didn’t commit myself to these girls.

I was afraid that I would miss opportunities. I was afraid that I was missing out. I was afraid to be dependent.

In essence, I was afraid to commit.

I’m not ready to commit. There’s so much to explore. There’s so much I’ve yet to do. I wasn’t ready to give that up.

Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that until now.

Here I am. Trying to fit all the pieces together in attempt to figure this whole thing called “love” and “relationships” out.

Interesting.

It was a walk down the Magnificent Mile today, that triggered all this. It was the last place I just walked and talked with a Ms. Cheryl Okuda. I was walking down, remembering all the places we went on that last true day together. The last day that I remembered when we were happy. It was that happiness that made me realize all this anger and resentment towards her was stupid.

Rolling in the deep in indeed.

Two girls, all I could have asked for and I didn’t realize it.

Interesting.

Lesson Learned: Don’t get into a relationship if you’re not fully committed.

Ready…Break!

Beginning Destination: Really not ready for this relationship deal.

I don’t know what I was thinking.

Got some personal work before engaging in one of those again.

Watch the “Landmark” and “Challenge Accepted” of How I Met Your Mother. Seriously, those episodes have a lot of insight on relationships.

Recalculating route to…who knows where?

End Destination: I’m ready life, take me. I’m done looking for things.

Let’s go.

What Matters

I’m at that point in life where I’m trying to determine what matters most.

Is it the close relationships?

Or,

Is it the work? School, extra-curricular activities, making an impact?

I want so much to build and strengthen my relationships with the people around me. Whether it be being a good boyfriend, a good brother, a good son, or good friend in general.

I want so much to make everyone happy. The question now becomes, is it possible to have all of that?

Is it possible to take PSA to new heights? To do Teach for America? To travel around as an auditor? To get good grades? To do all of this and still maintain a working relationship with a woman? With my family? With my close friends?

I find myself always sacrificing one for the other. It always ends up being work, school, and extra curriculars that take priority for me. I don’t know if it’s my natural tendencies, how I was brought up, or who knows what. However, I do know that I’ve let relationships fail because of my inability to show I care, to show I’m there, and because I always take more time for work than those I care about.

What do I care more about right now? 

The Other Side, A Reflection

“Sometimes you need others to see in you, that which you cannot see in yourself.”

Never before has this resonated with me until today.

Deanna:“Why are you crying?”
Student: “My mom said you cry when you’re full of joy. I’m crying because you guys fill with me joy.”

Me: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Student: “I want to be a nice person.”

These four days opened my eyes to a side of the world I never thought about. The concepts of “not understanding what you had until it’s gone” or “walking in someone else’s shoes” are cliché. Yet, the impacts of experiencing these concepts are tremendous. They put life into perspective. I never grew up with the idea of not going to college. It was instilled within me, day in day out. In Memphis however, this was not the case. Undocumented immigrants, parents that never went to college, and poverty were all daily occurrences here. The importance of the DREAM Act hit, of role models, of awareness all smacked me in the face. “My mom says I can’t go to college because we’re not documented.” Hearing the story from a fellow Spring Breaker saddened me. From the offset, some of these kids are being told they can’t go to college because they are undocumented. As a result of not being documented, they can’t have scholarships and afford college. I always asked myself “Why is it such a big deal? Becoming a citizen isn’t that hard.” Then, I was told at a Food for Thought in the Latino house that it takes over ten years to become a citizen in the United States. When you’re told “you’re not going to college” as a child, the impacts are far reaching. You have no incentive to try in school. Your dreams seem pointless. This creates a cycle of failure that is continually passed down simply because one was told “You can’t.” Children aren’t told, “You can.” Children aren’t being exposed to the idea of college. We are setting up our children for failure. So what is the underlying problem here? IGNORANCE. The first step to fixing a problem is understanding there is one. The problem isn’t Latinos. The problem is quality of education.

The first project involved painting a school, installing software into computers, and assembling desks/moving chairs. I said to myself, “How is this making an impact?” I later found the answer in the dedication of the three primary workers at the school. Two optical disk drives to install one program on 25 netbooks, 3 classrooms, 2 hallways, and 20 boxes of desks and chairs. All this would’ve needed to be taken care of by three men. It was then that I realized, “If I wasn’t doing this, these teachers would not be able to improving their teaching skills. They would spend days taking care of all these minute tasks.

The smallest things can leave the biggest impacts.

The next day, we went to “Egypt Elementary.” One of the most touching moments in this trip was seeing children become enthusiastic about learning. I walked into a 2nd grade class that was unfocused and tired. As the day progressed, I helped each student out. I told them a simple “Great job!” or “You can do this!” and followed up with a hi-five. Amidst all of that, inspiration and motivation hit them. Each of them became determined to finish their problem, calling out to me “Come here! Come here! Look I finished! Sit at my table!” To receive hugs, to have kids climb all over me, and to have kids become enthusiastic about learning hit struck a chord with me.

All you need sometimes is someone saying, “You can.”

The last day, we helped out at a Kingsbury Middle School. It was a saddening. Seventh graders could not read questions being asked to them on their state practice tests. Some had trouble adding “2 + 0.5.” Others could not speak English. Faced with all this adversity, they were expected to succeed. Faced with the fact that they did not have basic supplies they were expected to learn? Faced with the idea that college was not even an option because they couldn’t pay for it because they were undocumented? If you think “well my parents went through 10+ years for citizenship and worked their asses off, why can’t these people do it?” Ask yourself if your parents had to take care of you when they first came here. Chances are no. Ask yourself if documentation was a problem when you got to college? Chances are no. For some reason there’s the notion that this is Latino problem. However it goes beyond that. It’s a Southeast Asian problem too. It’s our problem.

Did I support the DREAM Act? No. It wasn’t until I saw why and experienced first hand that made me change that. Never should I hear an eight year old say, “My mommy said I can’t be a doctor because I’m undocumented and we won’t be able to pay for it.” You can learn all you want from textbooks, from logic, from argumentation. The things that leave the most impact on you however, you can only learn from living, from experience.

-Deloitte and Teach for America Maximum Impact Alternative Spring Break 2011

Gay

One thing that never ceases to amaze is Glee’s willingness to push boundaries.

To talk about sex and homosexuality takes courage. Glee continues to be courageous and talk about the things that we are afraid to. Can it be shallow? Sure. Nothing’s perfect. The important thing? A show as mainstream as Glee is willing to talk about these things.

Why do I speak about this now? Every time I see Glee talk about homosexuality, it reminds me of high school.

People thought I was gay. I hungout with a gay friend and I dressed well. I never really thought about the consequences of doing that until the insults came. I was called “gaysian,” constantly. Yet, that did not deter me from hanging out with my friend, Jim. No, I wasn’t gay. No, I’m not gay now. However, I do sympathize with how their struggle. And I wish people could just feel this feeling so that they could tell people how bad it feels.

We are so judgmental. We are so quick to point out that which is different. We don’t think about how the small things we say can have such big impacts. Why? The failure to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes.

Santana’s fear of ridicule makes so much sense when you’ve been in their shoes.

“What will people say behind my back?”

“Am I ready to accept the consequences with coming out?”

Do I let people use the word gay around me? Yes.

Do I let people use the word faggot  around me? Yes.

Am I sorry? Yes.

Is that enough? No.

Clearly, I need to change and not let these things happen without coming off as the Debbie Downer.

Maybe if they think I’m being a Debbie Downer, they aren’t the real friends I seek?

 

What am I getting at? I don’t know. Maybe it’s that we need less people that are afraid like me? Or, maybe its that we need people to at least start thinking about these kind of things.

 

I don’t know.

I do know I need to change. We need to change.

 

A New Year, A New View

“I’m trying to find out if my words have any meaning. This must be it, welcome to the New Year.”

On Living Life in a Better Light

I’ve learned a couple of things this year, these past few months.

1) Let go.

• We’re all holding onto to something we don’t need to. Whether it be a grudge, broken heart, or resentment just let go. Drown those ideas out of your life. Hide memories, write down feelings, tell people how you feel, and do whatever you need to get those things out of your life. If you even cling to the smallest thing that reminds of you those bad memories, you’re only making the healing/growing process worse. You can only be the best you by leaving the worst parts of you behind for now (or forever if that’s what it takes).
  
• Let go of yourself every now and then. Indulge. As always, in moderation. When you’re uptight all the time, you forget the small things that matter. The tightest strings snap. Loosen up. Try something you’ve never tried before. Talk to someone you’ve never tried to talk to. Be brave, do different.

2) Live YOUR life to YOUR best and understand that your best today could be better tomorrow.

• Not everyone will like you. As hard as that is to accept, it’s true. You could be the nicest person in the world and someone would still dislike you. Continue living as thought that type of person isn’t in your way.
• Never settle. If you’ve become complacent, then you’re not trying hard enough.

3) Be open. Don’t lock in your emotions. Don’t lock yourself in. It’s okay to cry, to be angry, to be super happy. It’s okay to let people into your life. Be open minded. We all have our predispositions, I understand that. As a debater, I’m a very opinionated person. I go into meeting people and listening to ideas with my own opinions of how things should work. If you always assume without experiencing, you close off doors that could’ve been opened in your life.

3) Live with a purpose. It doesn’t have to be a higher purpose or calling. Just live for something. If you’re not living for something, for someone, you’re not really living. Figure that out.

4) Smile. A small smile can make a big difference.

5) Make smart mistakes. “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” Mistakes are a part of life. They help us realize something within ourselves we would not have realized otherwise. They help us get better. They help us learn. It’s better to have failed, then to never have known at all. (For the most part).

On Relationships

1) Understand what you’re looking for. If you don’t know what you’re looking for in a relationship, then it’ll be more of a struggle than it should be. A relationship grows. It has direction.  If you don’t have an expectation out of your relationship then you won’t know where to take it. It’s a relationSHIP because it needs to go somewhere.

I don’t just mean know what you’re looking for in a relationship, but know what  you’re looking for in the girl/guy you’re looking for. If you just go for a girl because she seems nice and pretty, then you’re not thinking deep enough.

ex) I’m looking for a relationship. Right now however, I’m looking to meet people. I’m tired of going after a girl based on whims or just because. I want to just talk to girls and expand my social network. I want to just be me and see where that takes me. I want to meet a girl that cares about something more than herself, that can carry on an intelligent conversation, that can talk to me about music, and is willing to stick around despite my quirks.

2) Don’t live for the chase. If you’re going around chasing girls (or guys) with no particular direction, then you’re just fooling yourself. Date with a purpose. Maybe you just want to practice being sociable. Maybe you just want to meet new people. Maybe you want to understand someone on another level.

3) Don’t just think about a relationship with one person. Think about all the relationships around you. You can’t know everyone fully. It’s understandable. Never forget about the people around you. Whether it be a simple, “Hi!” or “I love you.” randomly, say it. You’d be surprised how much it can change a person’s day. When you start letting everything else get in the way of the people that care for you or that you care about, that’s when you start to lose yourself.

A Final Note

“What will that have proven?”

What will your actions have proven to yourself?

When it comes to the hard decisions in life, ask yourself what will it have proven? What will you have gotten out of it?

Think about that when you have the option to take the easy route.

What I’ve Learned in Lines

In weakness and vulnerability, we find our true strength.

If you stay angry/sad at the world because of your past, the happiness would’ve been for nothing.

When you’ve gotten so used to living with your eyes closed, you never really realize they were closed until someone opens them for you. And then, the world is far more beautiful than you imagined.

You don’t always know what you need. Often what you need is there, it’s just realizing that you need it that is hard.

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“Better things are coming, I swear there’s truth in that.”

Here I am and here are some of the The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows.

A Leap of Faith

“Shake down you make me break. For goodness sake, I think I’m on the edge, of something new with you”

A Leap of Faith
There’s something scary about putting yourself out there. Whether it be opening yourself to people in general or opening up yourself to someone in particular, it’s scary. There’s something about approaching that guy or girl and asking her to dinner or asking her out that has such a thrilling/frightening feeling. To have the bravery to do that, you have to have your heart on your sleeve and your emotions on the table. You get butterflies. You’re happy, anxious, and a series of other jumbled emotions. So much to lose for the possibility of a gain.

It can be scary to just open yourself to the people you care about.

What choice do you make? Open up? Lock up? Answer: Open up. You might have much to lose, but the loss of someone not knowing who you truly are can be a bigger loss than you think.

I remember the first time I asked a girl to be my girlfriend. It was the scariest thing in the world. I barely could say the words. There was a million things running through my mind. Despite that, they just came out, naturally, like it was nothing. It was the happiest, scariest moment EVER. It ended up being worth it.

Fear
We fear. It’s natural. We’re human. Letting someone into your world isn’t a simple thing. It requires getting comfortable with someone, earning their trust, and not letting fear get in the way.  There’s the possibility we may get rejected. There’s the possibility that it would’ve been a wasted effort. There’s the possibility that we may leave ourselves vulnerable. There’s the possibility we may get hurt.

There’s one loss that’s bigger than the loss of getting hurt: The loss of never knowing.

Did you meet the person that gives you butterflies? Pursue them (within reason of course). Have you met people that are worth opening your shell for? Open it.

If people don’t like who you are, then don’t change (unless you think it’s a change worth making for yourself).

Don’t fear that leap of faith. Believe people are worth sharing yourself with.

Better that people make a judgement based on who you are as a whole, rather than the fraction that you let them see. There’s no use living as only a fraction of yourself.

Let yourself have butterflies, let yourself get scared. It’s perfectly normal. But overcoming it, that’s abnormal. You may be surprised what you’ll get when you conquer that fear. Or, you might be surprised what you learn when you do.

That’s tough stuff.

I’m still working on it.

Live and learn,

Julian

Random Thoughts

Randomly checked my site stats two days ago. I’m wondering who typed “Cheryl Okuda” as a search term to get to my WordPress. wtf?

I’m okay about talking about breaking up with her but for some reason still cry when I encounter something of sentimental value, like when I encountered the movie “Ponyo” while working. Guess somethings don’t leave your system.

It was fun. Going out, dancing with whoever, getting drunk just because, chasing girls and all that jazz. I need to go out and do whatever instead of just chasing after girls. I’m not that guy. That shit is lame. Stupid me.

I’m bored of it. Life has lost it’s sense of fulfillment.

I need to settle down, get my shit together, and figure out what I want out of life right now. Or, at the very least, have a general idea.

I love my friends. I fucking love them.

I like asking people questions and getting questioned. Learning about people is fun.

Random thoughts within 10 minutes.

that felt good.

 

Why a Relationship?

Why?

To have someone to talk to at the end of the day about ANYTHING.

To have someone to come back to.

To have someone that’s there for you regardless of what goes on in your life.

To have someone to hug and cuddle with for no reason.

To hold hands with someone while you’re walking down the street.

To have someone to kiss just because.

To have a sense of fulfillment.

To have the best friend you can do anything with.

To learn about yourself through the eyes of another person.

 

As much as I miss those things, there’s one thing I don’t regret: Opening up to people I would have never otherwise opened up to, while strengthening the relationships I already had.

Blessings in disguise.

 

Forgive

“I’m not calling for a second chance, I’m screaming at the top of my voice.”

Forgiveness. It seems to be a recurring theme in the shows I’ve been watching. Specifically, Glee and How I Met Your Mother.

I’ve realized you can ask for forgiveness. You can beg for forgiveness. You can do all you want to make things right. That won’t have changed anything.

Forgiveness will come. It will happen. It takes time. There’s nothing you can do but wait for it. True forgiveness comes from the heart. It’s an unspoken knowledge that hits you when the time is right. How long does it take? Only the heart knows.

The best you can do is move on and live your life. If you’re living your life to its fullest, being the best you can be, forgiveness will find its way towards you.